The quotation above is from Nelson Mandela – one of the greatest leaders and teachers of all time & certainly of our time. He knew all about the importance of human resilience and modelled it to the rest of us throughout his extraordinary life…

There is a trend in today’s society to do what they call ‘helicopter parenting…’ I have been guilty of this exact thing at times, when my son was younger, but am increasingly learning that it doesn’t serve the child or the parent to make this a permanent state of being…

When we take away a child’s right to choose their response to bumpy situations, we take away their opportunity to learn – an opportunity to stretch their boundaries of understanding and their perspective on the world…

So which parent are you…?

The one that teaches your kids that life is ‘perfect’, smooth and shiny & without challenges…any tricky situations or challenges that come their way are to be dealt with by you, rather than them?

The kind that steps in to smooth their path on the ‘bumpy’ bits so they don’t have to experience any knocks to their confidence? Or work out for themselves, strategies to deal with difficult or uncomfortable situations? Minimise any risk wherever possible? In other words, a bit of ‘helicopter’ parenting…

Or are you the one that believes life is a roller-coaster & it’s naturally bumpy and not perfect? The one that believes part of our role as a parent, is to give our children the tools and strategies to build their resilience and ways of dealing with life’s bumps? Helping our kids work out ways of dealing with things their way, rather than stepping in immediately & taking away their ability to learn and grow? Ensuring that making the right decisions for themselves in some situations is the way to grow & flourish…?

Life isn’t perfect, as most of us know, and sometimes, we just have to find ways of working with people whom we may not particularly like- whether in school, work or community groups. Sometimes, we just have to accept a low mark in a school test and learn from it for next time by improving our study methods or getting extra help…

Resilience is so important. It’s the thing that makes us carry on when times are tough. It shapes how we respond & think when we feel like pulling the blinds down and shutting the world out. Resilience is how we bounce back, pick ourselves up and get on with it & it’s something, I believe, that we need to nurture in our children, as well as ourselves. We only have to look around us, in the world  & our own lives, to see the challenges that can arise. Resilience is something that is needed, however old we are…

Over the past few weeks, I have been reflecting on resilience & am particularly struck by the importance of helping our young people develop a resilient approach to life. In quite different ways, I have recently seen my son having to ‘lean in’ to some challenges and draw on his resilience… These events were not just unique to him… they represent the challenges many teenagers face today around belonging/connection & balancing the stresses of study…

Situation no. 1 was when his local rugby team folded. He had played with that team since he was 5 & from the first night, we moved into the area after our move to Australia. During that time, he has made life long mates (as have we) & it was part of the gentle rhythm of our family life, over the Winter months – early morning rugby games, dissected over family dinners on Sunday evenings.

It generated a passion for the sport in Cam that burns fervently. So finally, after weeks of hoping the old team would happen, we had to tell him, it wouldn’t…& find a new Club… but more importantly, check that he did still want to play, even without his mates. Cam’s passion for his sport took over, he accepted that he might not know anyone in any Club he joined but that was OK – he still wanted to play for someone. After a few false starts, a nearby Club offered him a spot & off he went to his first training session without a moment’s hesitation… & he returned full of enthusiasm & talking of the things he enjoyed about the new approach/new Coach/new team. Phew… that was a relief for all!

Fast forward to situation no. 2, when he was trying to organise all his assignments and study time for a very busy few weeks at school. I could see emotions were running high as the work was piled on. I have a friend, Jacqui, who specialises in coaching teens & parents. I happened to have coffee with her, last week & was talking about how hard it was to stand back & watch Cam struggle to organise his time which I had been doing…Her experience was that sometimes, we do need to teach a skill to our kids so they can then, put it into practise. Sometimes, a ‘hands off approach’ isn’t helpful in their teenage years…

With this in mind, I sat down with him & showed him how to ‘chunk ‘down his workload into manageable pieces… he mapped out hours needed on his planner, together with a schedule. I could sense his mood shifting & soon, he was happily opening his laptop & continuing on with his work. He has also had to since revise his schedule around a change in sports training… this could so easily have become another stress point for him but he stayed calm  & came up with a plan…

All the time, our kids face situations where they are put in a team/school project/group they don’t want to be in; but it’s just like life, isn’t it?? And you wouldn’t dream of running into their office/ high school class/sports team & insisting they are placed with their mates, would you…??

So next time you’re tempted to jump in and make it all better by rescuing, ask yourself if you’d be better helping them become problem solvers…

Michxxx